When We Were Beautiful
by steelneena
Summary: Mozzie says that people like us weren't meant for happily ever afters. You were my happily ever after, Kate. And if I can't live without you, was I ever cut out for the life that I chose? I thought we could go on forever; I was so wrong


When We Were Beautiful: Inspired by the song from Bon Jovi's album, the Circle

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><p>"Oh, Kate, If only you could see me now. But you can't. You're gone. I know I made mistakes, but I always loved you. I never stopped. Not once. And I never will. If only we could just go back. Become what I wanted us to be. And you would be wearing that ring. Right now. I know that what I did changed everything. Everything we ever were, or could have been. I'm sorry.<p>

"I don't know whether, if I were given the chance, I could change anything that happened. I want to believe that I could. Really. I'd never have gone after the music box. I'd have stayed with you. We could have gone somewhere else. We could have bought a little apartment, near our park.

"I kept the ring there, you know. I wanted you to have it. Now, I guess that it doesn't matter any longer. Would you forgive me if I asked you to? Not that I ever would. You should let me suffer. Suffer believing that you hate me now. For everything that I did. For ruining our lives.

"But all the words that I have to say seem so empty now. I can't keep pretending. Pretending that you care. If I can't even recognize myself any longer, how could you? I've lost myself, Kate! I tried to murder a man! I held him at gun point! Me, Kate! Me! I did that!

"And I keep asking myself that question. I don't know the answer to it. I don't think I ever will. I've lost my confidence in myself, Kate. My innocence. We were so innocent. I thought we could go on as we were. Forever. That I'd always escape the Feds, that we could keep running, without end. I never once let myself think about the facts. That Peter would stop at nothing to catch me.

"I think you always knew it too. You knew I couldn't keep running. You knew that I couldn't see past the façade that I had built for myself. I was so naïve. So naïve. You were the only thing that ever kept me grounded. And then you were gone. And I was an idiot! A puffed up, pompous Peacock, fanning his tail feathers, hoping that with each con, bigger, better, you might notice me again.

"Why did you have to hide from me? Maybe we could have gone on forever. Maybe not. Probably not. But you're not here to keep me grounded. Gone. You're long gone. Guide me. Please. I need you more than you know. I always have. Mozzie says that people like us weren't meant for happily ever afters.

"You were my happily ever after, Kate. And if I can't live without you, was I ever cut out for the life that I chose? Was I? Did you look at me and think, God, he should have gone into trading stocks! He'd make a better salesman than a con. He's not cut out for this life. He isn't cut out for the pain and the hurt of losing everything - one moment there, and gone the next. A blink of the eye, I once told you. But I blinked and you were still there. If I blinked again, would it hold true?

"If I blinked now, would you be staring back at me? Would I see pride on your face? Or Love? Or disappointment? Discontentment? Anger? Sadness? Would I even be able to see you, or would I blindly stare right through you, like it did before. Blinded by greed, the thrill of the chase. So blinded that I didn't realize I had the most important thing right there with me all along?

"You. I was always you, Kate. Always you. You were the one. And sometimes I ask myself, would you still want me today the way you did all those years ago? Would you still look at me and see the man you loved, or would you see a man broken down by the idols that he held high? If I asked you the unanswerable question, what would you say to me?

"What if I had killed a man. Right there. Point Blank. What if I had done it? Who would I be then? Would you still know me? Would I? I just want to go back, Kate. Back to when we were beautiful. Then, just maybe, I might see what I couldn't before. Maybe then I'd realize that I was fulfilled in life. I had you. That was all that should have mattered.

"So I ask you. If I were to die. This very moment. Would you be there, waiting to take my hand? Show me which way to go? Would my eyes be opened to everything the way they are now? Would I be so painfully aware that this is what I'd missed? Or would I still be blind, fighting to find my way? Never being able to see more than your warm glow?

"If we were to go back, and everything were to change, would we still be beautiful? I love you, Kate, I always will, and that's all that matters.


End file.
